Morning sickness

I’m sick

There’s this small, alien feeling working it’s way into my brain. 

It dies and it’s putrid little body festers, stinking up my thoughts

It’s cancerous. Spoiling positive thinking

Killing the “love” receptors in my brain. 

I’m queasy and old. Lost and abandoned

The only thing keeping me going is that the universe makes the sun set and stars come out 

Their cold beauty nurturing something in my heart. 

I do still have a heart, don’t I?

I feel it thump to life in your presence. 

I feel excitement and anger. 

But the poison is spreading 

And I’m sorry

M.V

Advertisements

Empty stars

Here I am talking to dead stars

They may twinkle in their inky abyss

But can never hear me

Having burnt out before my existence

I’m alone with these heavy thoughts

Pouring from my heavier heart

Why are my thoughts so scattered 

Like many dead leaves beneath

An old oak tree?

Even with a prescription I am lost

Even with routine I am hopeless

I look for love and I find lust

I look for love and see that it isn’t real

We are alone and only alone

There is no “other half” only an empty me

My mask is slipping and I still talk to the stars

How long can I hold it all together?

M.V

On The Electric Fence

I’m on edge

A gust of wind could knock me over

Send me to my death.

I bet I’d soar.

the wind would catch in my hair

and I’d glide through the sky

sunshine on my back.

But still

I’m so on edge

my teeth will crack under the strain of my smile.

I can run a mile on a whim.

I feel electric and beautiful today.

I want kisses and soft touches

I want. I want. I want.

I want one coherent thought.

I want my medicine to help me focus.

I could scream with all these thoughts

rushing through my mind at once.

I want to be normal.

-M.V

 

 

Thoughts on likes

I have an obsessive personality. I don’t know other people who are bipolar so… beats me if this is normal or not. Addiction runs in my family (drugs and alcohol) but with me, it can be anything. Snapchat for example. I downloaded it and I compulsively check it every few minutes to see if there are any updates. It interrupts my life. And it isn’t just that that. This can happen with anything or even anyone. Someone will become so important to me but I don’t even know them. I’m an attractive woman and in a committed relationship but I want the attention. Men, women, likes, comments. It can be exhausting to be honest. This weekend I’ll see if I can put my phone away for a bit. 

Out of focus

Blurred and spiraling downward. 

No, upward. 

I’m falling into the sky. 

Hanging onto a dream with a wish. 

No actions or drive necessary. 

Gravity pulling me skyward. 

Have I always been afraid to fly?

M.V

Post-it

How easy would life be if post-its were found, on their own, on the bathroom mirror? I write notes to myself (such as that one there) or cutsie ones to my boyfriend and little ones. But a message to myself seems counter productive. “Don’t be crazy” ….writes self a message. I can only laugh. This is my screen saver/background on my iPhone and for good reason. I’ve been swinging up and down so much I’m pushing away the man I love most. Not that I love many men (if any) but he’s supportive and I’m pretty unstable. I wouldn’t be where I am today if not for him. I’m getting the treatment I need and writing myself little notes as a reminder that it’s pretty easy to go crazy. So, pero like, don’t be crazy
M.V